LIFE ..?

                       life...?

"it was dark in there. no sound no light. the only voice i was used to was that of my pounding heart. i felt that this is it i am in existence and this is the world i have to live in. i accepted my habitat and felt that this is good nothing matter my existence....nothing matters my LIFE.

i was happy. so happy that i started dancing and jumping. BUT WAIT whats happening everything around me is moving and its life this world is about to end. DAM WHAT IS THAT. so white and i cant see beyond it. OH WAIT where am i moving its like this white light is trying to swallow me. NO NO NO STOP!!!"

and this is how every child comes out of her mothers womb in those dangerous hand of doctor, still tied to mother by umbilical cord. 

"OH WHAT IS THIS, so much noise so much..light. its so different than my black world, so WEIRD. all i feel is safe when i close my little eyes and try to go back in same black world. but that noise still prevails. what all just happened. i am hungry i need nutrition." 

and then the child starts crying so his/her mother feeds him/her till he is satisfied enough back to sleep ...in his fake black universe where he feels relaxed.

this is how life starts...right? BUT i say this is where life ends. just when the child is born or even before his birth this world starts planning his assassin program. the weapon they use is know to us well and we all are familiar to it....its called EXPECTATION.

before his birth, at least in India, everyone starts EXPECTING if he is a boy, if you are you new born child then good u began this game well enough. if u aren't then either you may have a crucial life or its your good luck if your first and foremost guardian whom you called parents are good and ACCEPT you. BUT stay alert my friend this ACCEPT favor wont stand by you forever. you also will have to fight with this weapon called expectation.

the next instant of his life the child is assigned A NATIONALITY, A RELIGION, A CAST, EVEN GENDER. through out your life if u question this all assigned property, that isn't yours and you are forced to live with it, you will get wounded by words. "AND REMEMBER ONLY WORDS BLEED.." the intensity of its pain isn't defined on a scale. it may be as small as pinning pin or you may mentally die listening those heavy words.

in this coming life every breath may either make you alive or may bury you even deep. starting from pre school to higher school at every instant you either get bullied by someone or lose arguments with teachers. every word that u listen becomes a reality and u start living in it. parents expect and so you fight. not to reach your destination but to reach some place that sharmaji's son or mishraji's daughter is at. you start living in reality that has been created for you for 60% your sake and 40% your and your family image sake.

at every point your uncle wants you to come 1st or your aunt want you to go to USA to study or you grandparents want you to get 9 pointers... and that's where your parents make you to run behind something you never have thought of. you are just trying to get the situation and here comes something new in world and boom you will find yourself in a rush in a crowd where you find everyone running behind something that is undefined, no one knows what will satisfy your need what is highest award one can get running blindly with these crowd. and as they said
" ....in India parents want their child to stand different to be unique to create miracles but force their child to follow the crowd.."

still you survive. you get married and have a beautiful wife and children and there again these cycle starts from square one. the only difference this time is you are the one who is running rackets and following so called trends blind fold.

as i told you died the day you where born. the one right now reading this blog is not you. from past many years the one living is a man made to fight and survive expectations and back fire such expectations.

just think of a moment where you dont expect. where you dont think about what he or she or they will say if u do this. think when last time you sat and smiled at this going cycle of life. you wont find any such till i know.

so is this life...
you died the day you where born but still are surviving every night.
for me its not..                  

THE SAD ENDS..

THE NIGHT WAS DARKER THAN IT USE TO BE IN THIS COLD NOVEMBER NIGHT. I WAS DRUNK AND LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE LAVISH WHITE GLAZING MARBLE OF MY MANSION I BOUGHT A MONTH AGO. THINGS WEREN'T THIS RICH AND LUXURIOUS. I GUESS THAT NIGHT MADE ME. THAT NIGHT CREATED A MAN WITH BURNING FIRE IN HEART THAT BURNS VIGOROUSLY JUST TO OUTCAST THE DARKNESS. BUT ON THE CONTEMPORARY SIDE ONLY I KNEW THE TRUTH. THAT FIRE WAS JUST A SO CALLED JUSTIFICATION TO MY COLD STONE SITUATION. I LIVED FOR A REASON BEYOND ONES UNDERSTANDING.

10 MONTHS AGO..

IT WAS RAINING HEAVILY  IN SOUTH ASIA OR SAY INDIA. SHE LEFT A MSG ON THE ANSWER MACHINE "I WANT TO MEET @ 9 AT MY CAFE. IT IMPORTANT" YES SHE OWNED A CAFE. SHE BELONGED TO RICH HOUSE. 

 ON MY WAY TO HER CAFE I SAT CALMLY IN BUS THINKING ABOUT THOSE PAST MEMORIES WE SPENT TOGETHER. THOSE HAPPY AND GIGGLING MOMENTS. THOSE LATE NIGHT COFFEE AND WELL SPENT DAYS. ALL THOSE THINGS MADE ME. I NEVER IMAGINE MY EXISTENCE WITHOUT HER. AND SOON I WAS THERE

ENTERING HER CAFE THE PLACE WAS SILENT. USUALLY  IT WAS PACKED ON ALL WEEKDAYS AND WEEKENDS WITH EITHER COUPLES OR FUNKY LOOKING COLLEGE GANGS. BUT I DONT KNOW HOW I FELT THAT NEGATIVE AURA OF THAT PLACE. LIKE SOMETHING BIG AND BAD IS COMING. NO WAITERS NO MANAGER NOTHING ALL I SAW WAS CARDBOARD BOXES LYING EVERYWHERE LIKE SOMEONE WAS WRAPPING THINGS UP. I FELT UNEASY AND STARTED FINDING HER. THE I SAW A LETTER LYING  NEAR TO TABLE WHERE WE ALWAYS USE TO SIT FOR HOURS AND HOURS CHATTING AND SHARING OUR DAYS. MY HAND FELT NUMB PICKING UP THAT PIECE OF PAPER . I NEVER KNEW THAT SINGLE LETTER WILL TURN MY LIFE. IT SAID

             " hello dear, 

           i dont know how to say this. its just that now it too late for anything. i                called you texted you left MSG on you answering machine. but you                    where lost. a lot happened over this 2 weeks. my loving dad is no longer            with me now. his last wish was to see her daughter in safe arms of a guy            that can take care of her till she lived. before you react to this i want to              tell you i am sorry. i tried a lot. but things are written in our fate honey.            i loved you a lot and you were my soulmate. but our fate had decided                something else for us. i guess we can never be together now. you are                my weakness you are my pride you are everything i got, but sorry now i            let you free. promise me you will live your dreams you will ride them                  and conquer them over every breakdown and live a life you want to. my            life is now only for my dads last wish and my partner now.

           remembered we decided on the last valentine day that if our fate was                against us we will go on our way and wont let this life hamper our                      future. i know you will understand me and keep your words. please dont            let this hamper you life. i am going now. maybe we wont meet again                  ever. this was our story and every story has its own end. please its my              last request, move on u were perfect and i guess soo was i. but maybe              we werent. 

           good bye honey i wish you my best wishes for rest of your life. i dont                want tears in your eyes cause it makes you look weak. i can just hope                you find everything you want from this small life and get the best out of            it.

           take care"

(at the same moment 50 km away from him she was weeping in tears at airport washroom. the clear day started raining as if even the nature was feeling as helpless as them. she left the country then and never returned back to those street where they used to sit for coffee, to those gardens where they spent their entire evening holding each others hand, to those street where they use to walk every beautiful night. letting so called fate decide the future she regretted her decision and cried remembering every memories the had. from morning breakfast to late night dinner everything made her cry mad her feel helpless and incomplete)

EVERY INCIDENT MAKES IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE ITS UP TO YOU HOW YOU SEE. HE CRIED THAT WHOLE NIGHT. BUT DECIDED TO RESPECT HER AND OBEY HER. THE NEXT MORNING CHANGED HIM. HE WAS NO LONGER THE MAN WHO CRIED. WITH FULL OF CONFIDENCE AND FINEST AMOUNT OF ATTITUDE HE STARTED HIS DAY AND STEP BY STEP PRODUCED RESULT WITH VELOCITY. THE MANAGER IN AN IT FIRM NOW OPENED HIS OWN FIRM AND RULED THE MARKET. HIS IMAGE WAS OF A LION THAT WAS INVINCIBLE. EVERY NIGHT HE SAW OUTSIDE THE WINDOW AND IMAGINED HER BEAUTIFUL FACE IN THE SKY. THEY WENT AWAY ON DIFFERENT PATH AND NEVER SAW EACH OTHER. AS THEY BOTH GROW OLDER SHE STARTED BECOMING WEAKER AND WEAKER MORE SENSITIVE AND GENTLE. HE REMEMBERED HER WORD THAT BEING SAD DOESNT MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD AND SO DID EVERY THING TO PROVE HE WAS THE SAME STRONG AND CONFIDENT ONE. SMOKING AND DRINKING WERE NOT HIS ADDICTION BUT HIS MASK HE USED TO WEAR TO PROJECT A STRONG IMAGE. HE BELIEVED SHE SOMEWHERE WOULD BE LIVING HAPPILY WITH HER FAMILY BUT THE TRUTH WAS THAT HER SOUL WAS ALWAYS HIS AND WILL BE.

                      "if  hurting by somebody, you love hurts less than being apart...

                        i would rather choose being apart"